You need time for yourself.
Nobody's company is more valuable than your own. I meet many people, usually young, who get offended if their partner suggests time off. We're not talking about time off that means "we were on a break!" , we're talking about spending friday night each to their own. To be even more prosaic, I think the inspiration for this article partially found me at fuck o'clock in the morning, just as I was falling asleep, when Carrie & Big's argument came to mind- is it OK to spend 2 days off their marriage per week? I think it is.
As I have previously recently stated, to me the most important thing in one's social life is to be comfortable in your own skin, to be self-sufficient. You then can enjoy your social interractions that much more because they are not a necessity, but a bonus. The next step up the ladder of the metaphorical internal satisfaction is self-sufficiency when you're with others. The free spirited young lady with a heart of a single promiscuous gal that I am, the thought of being monogamous or tied down in any way gives me an itch. (yes, an even more irritating one than the itch that comes with promiscuity, I know you thought about it too!) Luckily for both of us, in practice, being in a relationship with my current partner is easier than I had expected & I am convinced that this is in no small part due to mutual honesty about needs & expectations. We spent a lovely holiday, which meant 3 weeks this summer of 24/7 contact and given that we've only been together for a few months, that's a lot. We were happy to give each other space but I hear most couples have a hard time doing it.
I wonder: why is it that we often get offended when instead we should embrace the possibility to spend time with ourself, to do what we want, to decompress, to be quiet, to be loud, to have our PMS undisturbed or to watch a game without the numbingly stupid question "So... what's an offside?"...
To me, having my space is an absolute necessity. This is how I recharge my batteries, and if I don't manage to get my "alone" time, I get grumpy like most men do when they're hungry. My need for personal space doesn't change with my relationship status, I need the time to take care of myself & do my silly favourite things, and this is why it is called personal. It is not called personal only when we are single and it isn't a way to kill time because no-one will f*ck us, it is personal time for just you because this is the time to discover new interests, read, learn, develop. Learning is not a privilege of the kids, it's an exploration that lasts a lifetime and, apart from the obvious advantages, it also means that it makes you an even more attractive person to be around.
You're the center of your world, this is the only way it can be, and in order for you to have the energy to be smiling during your day, you need to make sure you spoil yourself & smile to yourself first.
R.
Friday 17 September 2010
Thursday 2 September 2010
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? Because, in a relationship, you have to meet halfway.
My expertise may lie elsewhere but, from my understanding, what shapes a relationship, be it intimate or friendly, is comfort.
You, first of all & by default, have to be comfortable with yourself. Single or committed, you have to accept the swiss-cheese-orange-peel skin on your bum and the fact that, yes!, you will become like your mother. [should you be lucky, she's cool. If you're not lucky, then...tough shit.] I am a firm believer that you can never be truly happy unless you can accept that a partner is only a cherry on top of the colourful, multiflavoured ice-cream that your persona is. A partner is not someone who completes you. You're not someone's half, you're a whole self-sufficient person, and I wish more people would understand it. You think I am wrong? Try to enjoy sex while thinking about how big your tummy is, or ask your boy whether he thinks your ass looks fat in those jeans, and then tell me- how can you ever be comfortable with them, if you don't love the person they love, i.e. you?
I'll put it simply- if you don't love you, why the hell would anyone else love you!?
Only then can you learn to be comfortable with others and their flaws. Face it, nobody is perfect, and no, you're not [a] nobody. Moving on from the mediocre wordplay, it is so much easier to accept that your partner snores, has funny toes, wears animal print clothing, or has different hobbies to yourself, if you've already had to accept the imperfections of someone much more important- you.
I find comfort in a third place in relationships- the comfort to challenge your partner. It's easy to be comfortable & snuggly when you're watching a film together on a fat, cold night in. It's not so easy to be still comfortable when you receive a challenge by someone so close. Bear in mind, a challenge may be positive- the inspiration to want to develop yourself, to read more, to work more...to be monogamous, in my case, and to cut down the smoking, in my partner's case. Whatever it may be. A challenge may be aggressively phrased in the question:"why so arrogant today, biatch?" Either way, a challenge may not always be something one should rise to, but sure as hell, in a healthy relationship you have to be comfortable with the idea of confrontation, you cannot be afraid to have the talks that really matter.
It is comforting to know, though, that if you have built the trust, you'll have the luxury of being accepted just as you are, by yourself first, and by others, second. WIth such a strong foundation, a healthier & more comfortable life for you is a step away.
You, first of all & by default, have to be comfortable with yourself. Single or committed, you have to accept the swiss-cheese-orange-peel skin on your bum and the fact that, yes!, you will become like your mother. [should you be lucky, she's cool. If you're not lucky, then...tough shit.] I am a firm believer that you can never be truly happy unless you can accept that a partner is only a cherry on top of the colourful, multiflavoured ice-cream that your persona is. A partner is not someone who completes you. You're not someone's half, you're a whole self-sufficient person, and I wish more people would understand it. You think I am wrong? Try to enjoy sex while thinking about how big your tummy is, or ask your boy whether he thinks your ass looks fat in those jeans, and then tell me- how can you ever be comfortable with them, if you don't love the person they love, i.e. you?
I'll put it simply- if you don't love you, why the hell would anyone else love you!?
Only then can you learn to be comfortable with others and their flaws. Face it, nobody is perfect, and no, you're not [a] nobody. Moving on from the mediocre wordplay, it is so much easier to accept that your partner snores, has funny toes, wears animal print clothing, or has different hobbies to yourself, if you've already had to accept the imperfections of someone much more important- you.
I find comfort in a third place in relationships- the comfort to challenge your partner. It's easy to be comfortable & snuggly when you're watching a film together on a fat, cold night in. It's not so easy to be still comfortable when you receive a challenge by someone so close. Bear in mind, a challenge may be positive- the inspiration to want to develop yourself, to read more, to work more...to be monogamous, in my case, and to cut down the smoking, in my partner's case. Whatever it may be. A challenge may be aggressively phrased in the question:"why so arrogant today, biatch?" Either way, a challenge may not always be something one should rise to, but sure as hell, in a healthy relationship you have to be comfortable with the idea of confrontation, you cannot be afraid to have the talks that really matter.
It is comforting to know, though, that if you have built the trust, you'll have the luxury of being accepted just as you are, by yourself first, and by others, second. WIth such a strong foundation, a healthier & more comfortable life for you is a step away.
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