It's almost Christmas, which is lovely but I am in no mood to be talking Christmas. So here is some Anti-Christ(mas) blogging for ya.
Lately I've been restless. I know because I've been pacing up & down my room, talking to myself & that's something I do either when I am brainstorming or when I am restless. To be fair, the two are pretty much the same, therefore the only valid consclusion anyway is that I am restless. Ta-daaaaah.
In a search for answers to premature questions, I will give them a voice & maybe ask if you've had similar restlessness?
I get scared that I'll fail being monogamous, and once the novelty of my lovely mindblowingly happy and healthy relationship (yes, the same one i've been mentioning for the past 7 months, tired of it yet?!) wears out, i'll do something stupid. Do y'all fear the same? How do you battle it? The other day i had a realisation- this shouldn't be a battle between me and monogamy, rather it should be about me & my partner, playing for the same team, our team. And all you sexy people are on the other team. My competitive nature figured it out: it's "us" vs. "them", really, and we'll win.Cos i'm a competitive mada fuka.
I've also been scared that I will one day be a lesbian. Pause for reaction. This was as much a pause for reactions "oh, her, a lesbian? Yeah, like that's* gonna happen!" as much as it was for "Combat boots and dungarees in one day? I am surprised you're not shitting Ellen Degeneres by now!" Mind you, lately i've been shitting Christmas as my festive mood kicked in, but Ellen's awesome. I'd be happy to have her come out of any orifice of mine. That came out so wrong. Sorry, Ellen, if you're ever reading this. Being bisexual is awesome but it sure has some drawbacks- can i spend - SPOILER ALERT, sleazy premature statement will follow- my life with one person? Can i only spend it with one sex? (not to be confused with one-time sex, that for sure we know i can't do) I am happy where I am in my relationship & we've been getting ahead of ourselves as it is without the pressure of the future. I don't need women now and that's all good. Silly, maybe, but i look at some lesbian couples, (i won't lie, some of them belong to the TV realm) and i cannot help but think "I love the dynamics they have". Maybe that's something i feel because i haven't been in a proper, long term woman-to-woman relationship (yes, ex-bitch, that's partly your fault.) Maybe it is just different, being with a woman. No matter how much it bugs me now, though, i will just have to wait and see.
I am bugged by children- I think I want to have them some day, I definitely know I want to be pregnant some day, it looks awesome. But should I have children? I may be just a step too self-focused to be able to be any good at it. Again, probably something I shouldn't be worrying about, especially if I turn to lesbianism, but isn't the name Matilda just adorable? I wish i had a pacifier to plug my mouth & thoughts with.
I am bugged by the realisation of how inevitable death is. Oh, I welcome my own- what an easy getaway that would be! But the death of my family, my wife, my best friends, my partner doesn't seem bearable. Ironically, I thought earlier today that hey- i should have a partner because it makes the death of family members easier to handle somehow. Of course, having a mortal partner means that I need friends to help there. And more friends to help the loss of the better friends. Fcuk.
So how's that for Christmas optimism at 3.59 on Dec 14th?
I bet your fears are just as bad as mine.
