Let's recap.
Two of the best people I know are moving. M&L have been together for over 4 years now, and just looking at them can simultaneously teach you so much, yet make you question everything you thought you knew about relationships. They will grow old together. They are the couple, in my life, who is my example couple- you look up to them, when you start a new relationship, and you measure your relationship against theirs, in the hope to resemble them and to be as happy as they are. They are moving to a country far away, and probably for good. I've just come back home after attending their good-bye party: they "sold" so much of their clothes, bags, shoes, books, all the way down to the plates and mugs, all for the symbolic price of 1 Lev (a.k.a. 0.5 Euro). They are really going and I couldn't be happier for them. I believe even fate has their back- they may be leaving in just 10 days and so much is yet to be figured out, including where they'll live, but every day they have news (tomorrow, I believe, they're selling the car) and it will all work out. I saw their life, both as a couple and as the lovely individuals that they are, disappear in 4 hours, everything they've built in this city, I saw it going to people who felt happy to be included in their story. I feel proud to be able to wear a couple of shirts, the sentiment behind which will warm me up while they are beginning their new life. I do wish them all the best but it's confusing to think I may not see them for a long long time....and that's good- if you love someone, you wish them what is best for them, right?
Seeing them, however, only makes me realise how far I am from where I want to be. The fact that they are 6 years ahead of me only gives me some comfort. The fact of the matter is, they are incredibly lucky but have worked so hard to get here and, even more than sadness I feel inspiration to keep going. Some do get a fairy tale ending, or so it seems. When you know the story, you know that they have built their happiness. Bon voyage!
Also in the news today, a close relative, I was informed today by the "Grandma international" news agency, is expecting her first child. Early days but at this point I can only wish her a great deal of health, patience and love. It's crazy- I've known her since we were kids, and she's having a baby?
A buddy of mine just got married, apparently, after only knowing his girl for about 8-9 months. Congrats, but I do wish you luck. Confusing.
A friend of mine just gave birth to their second child, she's a year older than me... no need for luck there, when you know her, you know it makes sense for them.
I've been having an existential crisis in the past months, which may be at its peak now, and it's a daily struggle. Some hours are great, happy, fulfilled, enjoyed, and others slither by so slowly. Yesterday started off shit- in depression and questioning, apathy and guilt. It ended at 4am, in McDonald's after a fantastic night out, with people who make me feel good. What is it about pool parties that makes me think "Daaaamn, I've still got it!!" Excellent feeling. It is this excellent feeling and that dormant thirst for life, which is hiding oh-so-well under a thick, reminiscent-of-winter-coat, layer of denial and apathy, that has pushed me to a point of "Yes". I have made the active decision to say "YES" to practically any suggestion that one may have (anything short of "Jump off the building"). Ever wanted to make me do something? Now is your time, go ahead. Test me, see if I mind. I may go camping at the seaside.
I have lost some friendships, I've questioned a few and found others in a strange place.
I am finishing my Master's degree in a couple of weeks, and I've never felt so intensely. I feel intensely: I experience events an a way which leaves a mark. I Need to find a job, I need to find a country to live in. But for all the questions that I have, I have a few answers too: I have realised that I really do have something unique about me, I respect myself in many ways; I know that as soon as I get a stable job, a few pay checks later I will get a dog, a Cocker Spaniel. I know I want to help people, so working for an NGO is now very much a possibility. I know that, after this growth period, about a year from now, I will be the person I want to be, and roughly where I want to be. I feel it like I feel the craving for coffee when i've been caffeine-abstinent for weeks: it's undeniable. About that: some battles you fight, some you let go. I am accepting caffeine as my only real vice and source of self-destruction, for, if you deny yourself the little pleasures of self-destruction, you destruct in much worse ways.
A year from now, I will be happy. I also do have some doubts that finally, as far as my sexuality, I may have arrived where I wanted to be, although this matter is at the same stage as my relative's baby- too early to tell what the sex is. I'll keep you posted. And....hey! If you hear of a job I may be able to do, in practically any country, give me a shout!
R.
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