It gives great happiness to the chicken to cross the road on a daily basis.

I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I feel as stable as a rock, centered, content with what I have and with what I am doing in my life. I feel like I am headed in the right direction, the people around me contribute to my well-being as much I I contribute to theirs. I feel much calmer, less irritable, even less arrogant. I smile more, I definitely read more. I feel prettier, sexier and smarter. 


The first change came with clothes. Now, I've spent a lifetime of hating shopping. It was never for me, fitting rooms are small, sweaty and altogether they put me off. Maybe it's a 1st world problem...in fact, scrap that. It's DEFINITELY a first world problem, but whenever I needed clothes, shopping was a chore. Yet, after 22 years of moaning in stores, I found my style, I figured out what to wear, how to wear it, what looks good, where to shop. It shouldn't have taken me as much as it did, but now I feel fairly comfortable, and I know what to look for. I think I did things backwards: I've always been comfortable with my personality, which most people seem to achieve at a later age. Now, I am comfortable in my skin too, literally. I reckon, one way to a better life on a daily basis is to ensure that your mornings are good. Me, I wake up, dress in clothes that fit my body and character, emphasise my gorgeous breasts and hide the small lack of abs, I make some freshly squeezed orange juice, and I am ready. 


The second change came with reading. Since early age, my grandmother put in a lot of effort into turning me into a cultured, well-read being. Being forced to read every day for 2 hours at least, while others are watching TV or playing outside, I bet it will give anyone an aversion to reading. Doing IB and then university didn't exactly help. Frankly, I don't know what it was that suddenly gave me this thirst for reading, but it's here. For a few months now, I've been reading for pleasure, almost daily. Reading is a bit like itching. Sometimes, you need to scratch your skin, and only then do you get an itch. I started reading, and almost out of nowhere, all these interests surfaced. Interests that I knew I had, somewhere on the back of my mind, but interests that I hadn't explicitly told myself that I had. For Christmas, D. asked me what I wanted and my response was, to his surprise perhaps, books. Simply books. What kind of books? Here is the list I sent him: 


-psychology
-forensics and criminology
-synaesthesia
-Aleister Crowley, the Wickedest man in the world
-Nikola Tesla
-technology
-media, i.e. journalism, TV specifically.
-archaeology
-science, especially astronomy and physics
-history
-bartending
-coffee
-left-handedness
-design, interior design in particular
-languages
-photography, to an extent
The list is practically without changes. To say that these interests make my day, would be a gross understatement. I suppose, it is no surprise that one feels smarter and more well-rounded for reading more. I got about 10 books for Christmas, and they are lovely. 


At 8 o'clock on January 1st, my mind suddenly emptied out and then got filled with a single, clear thought. If I have had 3 serious relationships and they have all ended with me and my partners being on very good terms, speaking to each other and being able to contribute positive energy to each other's lives, then there's no reason that I can't do the same with my ex-girlfriend. Our sexual relationship wasn't as serious as the others, but our friendship and our specialness has been exceptional. It would be nothing short of petty for me to deny that or throw away 9 years of mine and her life. So, I messaged her and on the 2nd of January, we were already speaking like a year and a half had not passed. The reason why this is different is because I want nothing from her. I don't want to get in her pants (and that is regardless of her still being attractive), I don't want to have drama or relationship with her. I don't think I ever will, and perhaps that was my mistake last time. We have a special connection which is undeniable, and there is simply nothing more to it. 


Resolving my relationship with her was an excellent decision, I feel. I think my ego has left the building, and contacting her was for all the right reasons. I have, in the past year or so, gotten rid of anyone in my environment who makes me unhappy or harms me in any way. I like myself and I like those around me. I have put in the effort to keep those who are good for me, and who I feel I am good for, because it works both ways. You can't receive without giving, and I hope my former friend N. will learn it someday soon, if he hasn't already. Friendships are a two-way process. Life is a two-way process, at least. I don't know where the rest came from. But never have I felt so at equilibrium with my environment. I have always been very honest with myself and those around me, with life even, about where I am at and what I want. But now, I think there's a whole new level of honesty somehow. 


Maybe that's the lesson, if there's a lesson here at all. Be very very honest with yourself and those around you, honestly can't hurt, lies can. Be honest about what you can give, what you expect and you will, more often than not, receive what you ask for. Of course, you have to be ready to receive it and be ready for any consequences, sometimes it may come in a shape that feels unfamiliar to you, you may not recognise it at first. But you will get what you wish for.