I don't udnerstand what is so wrong with offending people?
Remember, it's just words. If you feel that you were judged unfairly by someone you barely know, then their words don't matter because they have no way of knowing what you really are like. If these words hurt and you have a problem with someone, have the self-respect to deal with it and talk to them. Or have the selfconfidence to let it go.
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I have two stories to tell today and I will ask for your opinion in the end.
Story 1:
First week of university. Two students meet- one is religious, the other one is an atheist. They get along and create a lovely friendship, despite their differences. One day the religious student, let's call him Joe, says:
-I think you're a great guy, Sam, but I think that you are going to Hell because you don't believe in God.
I am not being funny when I say I don't see how that could be offensive. When you become friends with someone, you know a few things about them and discover more on a daily basis. If it suits you, you stay; if it doesn't, you leave. To be offended by someone's beliefs of which you knew right from the start, is hypocrisy. To ask them not to say what you know is their opinion is hypocrisy and also being a bad friend. Equally, i imagine, for a religious person it is difficult to be friends with someone who they strongly believe will go to Hell. I am sure it also poses some moral questions- ""OK, this person is my friend, and I have seen them to be a good, morally right person who cares for others and attempts to do the right thing just as much as I do although they sleep in on sunday, and I don't."
But the point is not even a religious one anymore, merely it was a religious debate that made me think about it. Why are people so affraid of being offended? It's quite simple really- you hear something that offends you, and you are offered with two choices: it is insignificant, so you move on, or it is significant so you tackle it. How? You talk to the person who offended you, and depending on variety of factors like "did they intend to hurt me", "are they close to me", "what are the consequences?", you choose how to tackle the offence- talking, shouting, revenge, bitch slap, set them on fire, call them names, shoot their dog, or tell them they will rot in Hell. Whatever, your business. But why on earth do offenses matter so much?
Story 2:
I was recently in a club where, how shall I put this diplomatically, I saw some girls who looked below the average intelligence & seemed to be happy to perform services of sexual nature in exchange for material benefits. For the thicker ones, that was "skanky hos". I shared this opinion with a friend, and unfortunately I was later told they heard me. Trust me, this is a low moment for me to share this, as I did feel very badly about it, especially after I was told they were friends of friends. I learned my lesson- next time talk quieter and do not assume that just because it's a club, people don't hear anything. My point being, the ladies (i still don't know anything on the question of their integrity but that's beside the point) felt offended. 100% fair enough. They then complained to their friend, who complained to my friend, who asked me if that was true. This is in no way excuse for my mean behaviour, but if they felt so strongly about it, they should have come to me and said "Why are you being mean to people you don't know?" That would have leveled me with the ground and I would have felt even worse about being mean as they would have a point. Instead they chickened out.
Am I right or were they wrong? Or were they right and I was wrong?
9 comments:
Oh, sweety...
Words can mean the world.
Words are never just words and you know that. They can inspire, scare, induce hatred or make you think for a second (or more) trough a different perspective.
Words are not separated from actions but in my life, I do my work via words mainly and I say.... words can mean the world. They can make feel like the luckies person alive or like the bottom of the shithole.
The first story... it is quite interesting. I don't think that a friend will ever tell you, you will go to hell, just because you don't believe in his or her religion. Not a real friend anyway. Because it is a stupid and incorrect thing to say only because neither one can prove him/herself wrong or right and this is just mean. Especially when coming from a close friend and they know it will affect you and because of the closeness, the usual defenses are lower. To use it against someone in the name of religion is just wrong.
The second story... I don't understand why you criticized someone who is obviously... simple. Because although she did it, the people who responded bear more of the responsibility. Nobody made them do it and since it was obvious she is simple... it is cruel to make fun of her, but to leave the people who had more than enough brains to understand that it is wrong and incorrect thing to do but they still do it.
Yes, I wouldn't be thrilled by her actions as well but... why do you cut slack of the rest and attack the person who possibly doesn't fully understand? I don't get it.
So?
Of course words are important, otherwise i wouldn't be here writing things. My point is though, that they don't (have to) mean much when they come from someone who is not important to me. The closer people are to you, the more their words mean. If it were me who was "offended" by someone i don't know, i would ignore it- they are free to dislike me and i am free to dislike them, and that is just an opinion of a stranger so it simply bears no significance in my life. HOw can people be so insecure as to take everything that others say as serious and dwell on it?!
I don't quite understand your comment on the second story, tbh. But generally, if a criticism from a stranger (in the form of a mean comment this time) is true, than you have no reason to be offended; if it's false, it doesn't matter because it doesn't apply to you. Then why do people care?
You serious? Slut-shaming is the oldest trick in the book. This is the most used insult towards women, from either women and men.
Do you really need someone to point out that it doesn't matter if this comes from a close person or from complete stranger, our culture sets it quite clear, to be commented as person, who... you know, doesn't act like a scared virgin and dare to include herself in any kind of sexual activity (showing her boobs for alcohol, making sex for money and etc., having (any) sexual encounters, being pretty/ugly, short/high... this could be applied to every aspect of a woman.
Yes, it sounds offensive. The words whore, cunt, slut... all of them have one intention, to insult. And as a person who has a good sex life and culture, it perplexes me a bit... how could you not know that. Have you lived in different world whole your life or you just have been lucky and nobody never attacked you so? Or you never have been so vulnerable that this kind of behavior could hurt you?
If the latter... awesome for you. But the majority of women have been called one of the lovely words I wrote at least once in their life and the idea was to hurt. Because these are the worst insults that could be targeted towards a woman - about her appearance and about her sexuality.
Hell, I have been called a dyke since I was in high school and then, because that didn't get the response they expected, I was called a cunt... cause you know, that's such a horror, being a woman and whatnot. :)
It might be that i was never vulnerable that it could hurt me. Because sure, i've been called names, and that's exactly the point- they don't mean anything to me. If you're called a slut (which by the way, i didn't call these girls in the club, i was much nicer) then so what? Have you that little self-respect that you believe it and let it get to you? More importantly- you make a choice about your life, in this case the choice to be sexual and liberated. Then you have to be able to live with this choice and the consequences, i.e. strangers calling you a slut. Or, you're not prepared to live with such consequences and wait until you're married. But anything else is hypocrisy. "I want to do my thing but people don't like it and call me names." So? There's no pleasing everyone, so don't even try. What you should do is be "yourself", no matter how clichéd that sounds, and do what you want to do. Either grow up and do it, or get no insults and bad words, just the comfort of conformity.
Of course i understand that insults are there to hurt. The point is that the best way to counteract an intended insult is to say "i might be what society would call a slut, but i embrace it and this is who i am. you don't like it-that's fine, don't let the door hit you".
Yes, on the planet of highly intelligent human beings, where everybody had the same background experience and options not to be hurt and attacked for being themselves.
Sadly, that's not the case.
It's not the case and this is exactly why people should not let strangers insult them for being who they are. Because, when you let silly stuff get to you, you perpetuate a behaviour which is already harmful, and they think they can hurt you more.
As far as insults to me, i've had only a few directly to my face, though i am sure many have called me a slut/bitch behind my back. You know why that is? Because i am secure with my choice. When i come to them with "guess how many guys i fucked last night?", people can sense that this is my choice and i am comfortable with it. But it is the people who are insecure with their choices who are hurt by such offence. If people came up to me and said "you're a slut", i'd agree with them-because slut means a woman who sleeps with many people. The negative connotation is not something we can change by avoiding being ourselves. Be whoever you want to be, as long as that doesn't harm someone else, the connotations of words will follow.
Hmm, I have trouble with the construct of "people should/should not..." Says who? Do you really want and can you truly accept the responsibility of determining how the rest of us should feel/react/think/perceive?
And doesn't this imply that you are setting yourself up as the standard? It is certainly easy to infer that, reading through your post and the conversation following.
Just think, 'Reah... if you were the new standard, you wouldn't be able to delight in your weirdness, your otherness any more, because we'd all be clones in your weirdness. How boring would that be?!
Until you've truly stood in the shoes, in the perspective, in the socioeconomic/racial/class/cultural shoes of someone else, you are not in the position of determining how s/he should feel/act/react/think.
And finally -- from a preachy (today, at least) old fart -- it's wonderful that you can rejoice and exult in who you are. If you can do that without judging others who are not you, tem luchshe... ;-)
Oh, of course people are welcome to do whatever suits them. regardless of their race or socioeconomic status, they can chicken out or they can defend their ground. But, when they decide to not to act (against offense of any sort by anyone), thus showing lack of respect for themselves, then they deserve the names they get. I am right, until proven wrong. If i called them "dumb hoes" and they are dumb hoes with no self-respect, i wasn't offensive, I was stating a fact.
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